Rules - Think of a person who really bugs or annoys you. Think of a place you'd like to send this person. Then - mentally - send them there! Start with: "The post card arrived..."
A post card arrived in my mailbox today. It was oversized and as it happened with all oversized mail that arrived at our place, it got bent and twisted mercilessly and mindlessly by a frustrated mailman. A crooked bend broke its glossy surface and revealed its soft white underbelly. The corners looked worn and the edges were unmistakably burnt. At the same time heavy water damage and something that looked like an oil stain managed to turn the picture into a kind of a Rorschach’s test on a flaming red background. The card definitely traveled a long way.
Too eager to look through my other mail, which included a new issue of the National Geographic, I hurriedly shuffled the card to the bottom of the mail pile and started walking home. The house was blissfully quiet and Xander kept out of sight. “He’s in a garage, hiding in shame”, I thought fleetingly about my crazy cat. Earlier today we had a big argument over his constant mewing and a broken vase and I advised him to go straight to hell.
I set all the mail on a tiny bistro table that served us as a dining table and a convenient surface for dumping daily papers, mail, keys, stray pens, and empty cups. Something red and glossy fell on the floor. It was the post card. Mechanically I leaned over to pick it up and became frozen in place as I read the following message in red ink on the back of it.
“Dear Yelena,
Don’t worry about me. I am in a Hell of a place and having tons of fun. Everyone here understands me perfectly well and provides me with hours of entertainment (something you couldn’t find time for). I got here on a special HELLicopter that arrived to pick me up just as you wished me to come here. So thank you for HELLping me. There are plenty of cats and kittens HELLd here and we all run around and play. There are also many interesting places to go explore and smell and chase and nobody minds if I make a mess or break things. People here all have to be very nice to us cats and pet us and play with us on demand for as long as we want to. We also get to scratch and bite them and mew in their ears. Also, every time we break something, and there’s always stuff to break into catzillion little pieces, they get to run HELLter-skelter and pick up the pieces and glue them back together. People get really funny about all this. They also have to learn cat language, the CATalogue, so they can better understand our CATcalls. So all the newcomers are made to watch our favorite Hell channel, the CATV, until they learn. Also some people here have to clean our giant litter box. This is called “the ultimate punishment” and is reserved for some really bad people. In short, they are CATerers for us cats.
I am one of the smartest cats here too. I taught others tons of entertaining things, like sticking their noses into every mug, stealing the glue-sticks, ambushing and tripping people and doing other CATastrophic things. Everyone knows and loves me. When people see me, they run! It’s CATegorically because they want to be the first to pet me and hear me mew.
I must say, it gets a bit hot here sometimes and then I think of a nice cool tile on your living room floor. So maybe I’ll be coming back home soon. Until then, I’m sending you my loudest and proudest MEWWWW!
Xander, the HELLbender
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